LITTLE JOHNNY - CAPT AJIT VADAKAYIL

Everybody at sea enjoys a Little Johnny joke.

He is a small boy , familiar with the birds and the bees.

Personally I became familiar with the birds and the bees only at the ripe old age of 11.

While today in Mumbai when two dogs are in sexual union in some residents colony, you can see 5 year old boys and girls crowding around the dogs -- making the " good going JIGI JIGI " universal signs with their hands.

But at the age of 5 , while doing my first standard, I remember the class teacher was a attractive Anglo Indian girl of may be 18 years age.

We would be making sand castles in a huge sand pit, with Irish nuns and huge Turkeys flitting around us-- I suppose the white nuns ate them turkeys on Thanksgiving day.

So this teacher --let me call her Rose ( for convenience sake ) used to supervise our sand castle construction.

And then I remember my team mate Bobby ( real name this ) used to break up our castle and start making another one in another spot.

Pretty soon I caught on.

His new spot would always be where the attractive teacher, leaned over .

She always wore a frock whose hemline was 3 inches above her knees. So you get a MOST generous view of her nice buns.

Even today after 5 decades this terrific stolen sight is etched in my memory.

And for long I used to think, that she was unaware-- till much later in life , when I became wiser , I said to myself.

" Hold on, Ajit-- if she was indeed unaware , why the hell would she get goose pimples on her buns on either side of her micro briefs . It would come and go , and to be frank this goose pimple thing was indeed a sight for the sore eyes ?"

I knew nothing about sexuality, but still that warm flooded feeling was indeed a good one.

I lost touch with Bobby , as he left school the next year.

Much later in life I went to Mananchira maidan Calicut, to watch some inter-college sports .

I was now at sea, and there I saw a familiar face-- but could not place him.

Then this boy, a hulk by now, got first prize in Hammer throw and they announced his name "Bobby".

So I went to him and said " I know you, do your know me" ?

While he was racking his brains , to ping me -- I gave him a hint " We both used to make sand castles under our teacher Rose's back side , whenever and wherever she bent over -- 16 years ago."

Nostalgia and memories flooded and he hugged me.  "Oh those were the days, Ajit !"

Now --let me give you some nice  Little Johnny jokes.

ENJOY!

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his little brother's crying.

Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper leaking crap on the cradle.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was busy in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is

screwing the working class, while the government is

sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full

of shit."

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $ 300,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with stick on his shoulder with all his toys and belongings hanging in a bundle at one end-- all ready to run away.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she  was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by

myself with a $ 300,000 mortgage and no bike."

Little Johnny’s Arithmetic

One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying. So she called Little Johnny to recite in class.

"Little Johnny, answer this question," she said. "If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?"

"An orgy," answered Little Johnny.

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new arrival came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be in deep shit if he needed glasses

The school teacher asked her students how to properly use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Molly was the first to raise her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a blouse with ten buttons, but her tits are so huge ,  she can only fasten eight.”

Here is one for the road--

After the teacher narrated the story of Jesus Christ being born in the stable at Bethlehem, with the 3 wise kings following the eastern star --

She asked " Who were the three kings who brought peace and happiness....?” 

A thoughtful little Johnny responded: “Smo-King, Drin-King and Fu#-King”. 

CAPT AJIT VADAKAYIL

..